"This is just a mask"

While helping someone at work, a co-worker said: "I don't know how you do it - smile every day in spite of what happened to you". I told her it was simply a mask. At work I hide my emotions until I get home. The scene where the space shuttle begins to move up on the launch pad. You see a huge metal gate close as the rockets move up. That is my gate. At least, in my mind it is.

Sometimes I have a moment of weakness, and I'll replay a saved voice message quietly or phone my home to listen to her voice. I try not to do that often because I usually tear up when I do.


Fun fact: It took me 3 months before I could get home without crying as I past the doorway. And even today, I have memories or something that will appear, and I will lose it for a little bit.

I told her the guilt I had with my wife, after she died, is gone. I have resolved it. Even before she died we had become super close and forgave each other.

There is no point in asking for forgiveness for someone who is not there nor ever will be there. She has moved on. I am grateful she is no longer suffering. A selfish, and large part of me, wishes she could have stayed longer with me.

In coping with my loneliness, I decided to try my hand at streaming for a little bit. I bought a microphone, mixer, mic stand, xlr cables, and built a decent computer that can stream and game simultaneously.

Unfortunately, the phantom power unit I purchased from Amazon was  dud. I had to order a different brand. If that doesn't work I'll just get the $100 Marantz one for fucks sake.

I'll start the dating scene next month. I don't have any expectations really. For a moment, I imagined I could bring Theresa back and wonder what she would say. I know without even typing the words.

I'm going back to Nova Scotia sometime this year to visit the grave. I will likely visit my good friend Paul in Montreal and will have my kitty with me. I can't leave him with anyone, he's too precious to me.

I haven't had a genuinely happy moment since she died last September. The concept seems foreign to me now. It is impossible to will yourself to be happy. But you can mask the unhappiness to a degree that no one can detect.

I wonder if I will ever be happy again. I can see moments of joy but I haven't experienced anything remotely happy. I doubt I ever will.