15 Months

And even today, I open the phone, listen to an old voice mail. She's asking if I can get her some Popeyes and do they have a Caesar salad? I have heard this message dozens of times. One voice message still touches me deeply. She phones and asks how close is the convenience store, because she wants an item and doesn't want to disturb me. She's on an oxygen machine at home. 

I remember. I went home at my lunch, got her a McDonald's cheese burger, fries, small salad, and 6 nuggets. (Nuggies she called them). I got the item she wanted and she kissed and told me she loved me. I went back to work. 

Apple recently put transcriptions into voice messages recently. I can sweep through the 20 voice messages I have saved on my iphone. Sometimes I cross-reference a doctor visit to my ICU list that I kept written down.

I reached back into my e-mail archives to August 2008. We put down my mother-in-law's dog on August 7th. Poor thing couldn't walk anymore. That was a terrible moment. I had forgotten the exact year, but now I remember. 

The problem with memories is pulling them back and living in them. I had a cold thought. "When will I stop crying for her?" It would not diminish the love I have for her in any way. 

Struggling to move forward with a reality that no longer exists anymore. I watched a CNN video clip today. 

https://www.cnn.com/2020/12/01/us/oklahoma-nurse-lizanne-jennings-covid/index.html

It reminded me of Theresa. I could see the pain in her eyes and understood clearly what she was going through. Her son is holding her steady. I'll admit I teared up when I watched her talk, because it brought me back to my own loss. I know.