Unfathomable Grief
They were not easy times. I was the go-to person for her family. I didn't mind one bit. I figured if you loved someone, you took care of their family. And I did that to perfection, until Marion and George past away. So did Bernice.
I know misery and pain so well now. All I need to do is think back to those years, and I can hear her voice. The pain is still there, deep, and raw. And no amount of alcohol or cannabis can dull that awful feeling of being alone.
I have managed to cultivate a professional attitude to grief. But sometimes, my eyes tear up and a memory pokes through that firewall from hell I installed a while ago. Grief can trick you in so many ways. "What ifs..." or "I should have done this" go through your mind. No more.
I take solace in knowing I did everything I could to extend her life -- albeit, at her own stubborn refusal to die. She was afraid of death, and we cried together a month before she past away. The people around you live in a day dream thinking they will live forever - or even, maybe tomorrow.
Despondency takes over, that fatalistic attitude about life and not giving a fuck. I felt hollow and alone. People are laughing but I never get the joke. I have gone by, slipping through an alternate dimension of sorrow.
Now working, I feel organized but still overwhelmed. People have started to contact me again, and I am worried. At the workplace a few years ago, it was awful. No one understood anything. People thought you "got over it" a month after someone dies. Sadly, no.
I oscillated between self-hatred and suicidal thoughts. My favorite quote was "I don't know" or "I just wanna die". Poetic justice. I no longer think like that. I felt guilty for not visiting her gravesite. Just too many awful memories in Nova Scotia. The loss of love is so great, I cannot bear it. I prayed for death daily.
Even her so-called 'friends' dropped like dead flies. Maggots. Instead, I see abandoned parking lots and shopping malls, that I could identify myself with. Useless things. My experiment with Tinder was an abrupt, and abysmal failure. The awful people I met online cannot be forgotten. They are awful.
I think about her a lot - 💕Theresa💕
God, was she good to me.
Chris
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