Why is life difficult?

 

This past long weekend was nice and easy. Having Monday off due to Remembrance day makes it bitter sweet. George, my late father-in-law, would always say "My son, I never want to talk about the war." and so I respected his wishes. Other people in the family insisted on hearing stories. I would always be silent.

George past away in 2010. It seems a lifetime ago. Marion and Bernice would follow suit in March 2012. Sadly, my late wife Theresa would die from illness in September 2019. I've purchased a new set of glasses since she died. I think Theresa would love them. Again, I stuck with Hugo Boss, but a stainless steel look. The Superstore had a sale and the lenses were 50% off.

This time, I picked transition lenses that were purple instead of blue. I like them a lot.

Theresa would be proud of me. I still have kitty, my 12-year old cat who is very loyal and needy. I take care of him the best I can.

I still work and miss the gym. I'm too anxious to get into a gym with men around. I have fears of being attacked. The PTSD is extreme. Instead, I'm going to buy a 25 pound kettle bell on payday & use that instead. Its is far safer.

On the dating scene, it's been mostly misses. I was tempted to fire up Tinder again, but decided to hold off at least a month or so. Finding someone who is loyal and doesn't cheat? Almost impossible. 

I keep going back to old photos from when Theresa was alive. I go back to this blog and randomly pick dates and remember what happened. I'm grateful to have this rolling history book of my life - even though most of it is mundane bullshit.

I've aged gracefully so far - not overweight, look decent and keep my hair extremely short. I no longer need a barber, and instead cut my own hair with Wahl clippers & no guard. Sometimes when I'm on the street, people stop and stare like 'Who the fuck is this dude?'. I tend to dress really nice with good clothes and attract attention. It attracts attention to both men and women. 

I'm really NOT interested in hanging out with men in any shape or form. I ran into an ex co-worker who thought it would be nice for him to invite me to hiking on the weekends. I politely declined. 

People who work and make a lot of money don't understand how much of a struggle it is work in Calgary. Information Technology is a cut-throat business. And although I've been at the same company for 11 months now, it feels like every day I'm on the razor's edge. I just hope I can keep my job.

And as we approach the holiday season, I'm reminded again and again about being alone. Sometimes I just want to forget it all.

But life just keeps on happening around me. You can't ignore the present and live in the past. It just doesn't work that way.

I'm bulletproof when it comes to coping skills. I've mastered the art of loss - mostly. People always set me on edge. Nobody I talk to seems real or give a damn.

This is a cold world we live in.

Chris