Walking on Crutches, 5 weeks in

Timmy Says Go Fuck Yourself

While taking yet another Uber the other day I left my crutch shock pad in the car. They are the flexible rubber inserts that sit above the top of the crutch so your armpits don't turn into mushed flesh.

Fortunately I found a better quality replacement at the local medical supply store for $10. I didn't realize, but it has been 5 weeks since I began using a crutch. At first, things like stairs, narrow hallways, and objects on the floor caused panic attacks.

But slowly, ever so slowly, I became more used to them and eventually most of the fear went away. I did notice some things during my time (and it continues until Oct 2) for when I use crutches:

People are Nicer

I noticed this immediately when I walked by doors - men, women, usually 20+ years old and on, would immediately ask if I was "OK" and if they could help or open the door for me. Being a proud, stubborn asshole, I usually declined the help. I figured I was stupid enough to get into this mess in the first place, I should suffer for penance. Uber drivers leap from their chair to help me get into the car, gather my sticks and backpack... goddamn - was I the Pope ?

Although I did shove an old lady out of my way when an attractive young woman opened the door for me. Just kidding.

Get Gloves

Cycling or golf gloves work best - with open fingers. Without the padded cushion of these gloves, the palms of your hands will slowly be transformed into hamburger meat. It is very painful to walk on crutches with tortured palms. The gloves are cheap - $15, and last long enough for you to use them. Plus, you look like an absolute badass when you drive with them on. I'm mad max, bitch.

Go Slow!

Don't rush around when you're on these things. They're not a toy, goddamit! Its easy to slip and fall and re-break your leg. Christ knows I do not want to go through that again. Make sure I know where I'm going and try to get my balance sorted out is tough sometimes. Use a friend to help you stabilize, don't get high and use crutches. Or drink alcohol. The temptation to speed will be great but it's what got me into this problem in the first place.

Check for lost items

When leaving a cab, check to see if your crutch shocks came off. This was how I lost one of my shocks yesterday. Fortunately they are cheap to replace and even if you don't replace them, it doesn't really affect the comfort because all of your weight is on the wrists anyway.

Don't Complain

Nobody wants to hear it, they have their own troubles. Just man up and accept the fact that your arms will turn into solid muscle in the next two months. Woe to anyone who crosses me between now and Christmas! Ooo!