The World Continues Onward

Actively listening takes a lot of my will power. When people speak, I'm really in a numb existence. I find idle chat far more interesting - talking about other things. The idea of entering the dating pool is terrifying. When I last entered, I was 28 years old, just out of a first marriage, and there wasn't any tinder, bumble, or facebook.

Exercising has been very helpful. I still work out monday to friday, but this week I skipped a Thursday workout to see a friend for lunch. My body needed the break anyway, my right arm was starting to get tendonitis a little bit.

Grief is strange. One moment you are completely OK, talking about some stupid video game or youtube highlight video, and the next moment you are on the verge of tears.

With the finality of death come the after-effects: You had a daily routine, taking care of someone for years...and then they are gone... poof. Standing alone, you wonder "What's next? What do I do?"


Who knows what to do? Sometimes I pretend I can bring her back to life and ask her a question like "What should I do" and I know she would say "Stop. I am in a better place. I want you to be happy, please live for yourself now"

And then the guilt comes down like a 2 ton weight. Lifting those weights takes time, I have to get others to help me sometimes. I only know to take it an hour at a time, maybe even 5 minutes at a time.