For those who have lost a loved one and are suffering

Please know you are not alone. Nothing I can write could make anyone feel even a tiny bit better. It's shitty. Rage pops up when you suppress the guilt. I am ashamed to admit, I destroyed 2 cordless phones yesterday in a fit of rage and grief. I had to buy a new set immediately. At first I was wondering "Will I miss those old phones? Shouldn't I had gotten an exact replacement, then put her perfume on it?" Crazy, right? Nonsense thinking. Having it removed was easier for me. It would trigger the memory of her last phone call I ever received on that Friday. Horrible.

I know she would want me to be happy. In fact before she had the accident, she told me that when she passes she wants me to date again. Of course when we had this conversation I said "I don't want to talk about this bub, please!". But she knew. She knew the end was coming soon. I was just too blind to see it for my own eyes. Love and desperation do that to you.

You begin to sell yourself on the dream that "If I ignore her decline, she won't get worse" or "This is just a temporary dip, she'll get better". The brain's sad way of avoiding the inevitable. I'm grateful I told her she was the best thing that ever happened to me. I told it to her a month ago, and I also said I never loved  anyone as much as I loved her. I said that no matter what she needed I would provide for her, whether a drink, food, help to / from the bathroom, getting changed, bathing, etc... I would do it.

A close friend of mine told me he wouldn't have done what I did. "Chris I would have put her into a home, I'm sorry". I could understand his point of view, but I knew I could never do it. It would have killed my soul to do that. She actually asked me one night if I would rather have her in a care home. I was astonished she would ask me that. I felt hurt, I told her that would never happen. In fact, I asked her "What would you do if the roles were reversed?" and she said "I would help you with everything no matter what". she said. So I said "And that's exactly how I feel about you. Now shut the hell up about this once and for all". She was happy to hear that.

One of the things I've had to manage is guilt. When someone dies,  you begin to re-examine the choices and conversations you had with the loved one. Guilt is slow and insidious. You begin to question  your last conversation with her, the last time you made her cry, how could you? Why were you so heartless? No. This was not so. I try to interrupt the thought process before it goes out of control.

I did make amends for making her cry. She was tearing up because she felt terrible for not being able to be healthy enough to be a wife to me. It killed her seeing how unhappy I would be sometimes. 5 months before she died, I had accepted her medical limitations without any thought; I re-assured her that just being close to her and loving her was enough for me.

Surviving the death of a spouse is not a quick fix. You can take drugs and medicine to mask some of the pain, but it always works its way back into your life. I will always continue to love Theresa until the day I die. I might find someone new in my life eventually, but it will never replace the love I have for Theresa.

That will never die.