2019 in Review

Where to begin?

Back in 2010, Theresa was pretty, vivacious, and strong minded. She is holding a baby from her step-dad's family.

2019 will likely be the worst year of my life. And I've been here 50 years now. Back when 2018 ended miserably; Theresa was in the hospital, sedated, in ICU due to pneumonia. She'd get out in January 7th or so but much weaker. She needed more oxygen and she was considering the medical assisted suicide, as her quality of life was terrible. I still have her angry voice messages from the hospital, asking me to bring her tablet charger. (And yes, I did drop the charger off before I went to work. She did leave 5 messages).

She would begin her day coughing up phelm for an hour, she would take her pills, pain killers, etc... and it would take a little while for her to settle in. She had this funny way of coughing: cough about 4 times in row, then twice, then sneeze once or twice. (I used to make fun of her by saying 'Achoooo!). She'd quickly say back "Fuck you!".  It was her body's way of reacting to the cough I guess - very strange and cute.

She would carry the cat like a teddy bear, walking slowly through the hallway, and stop to show me the kitty. Very cute.


It is hard to describe the pain in losing someone so close to me. Having a hole ripped out of your chest would be a good starting point. In March I had finally bought a new living room set, and Theresa was so happy about it.

2016 - Kitty spooning the couch, Theresa playing on her Samsung Tablet

She was so happy when we got the new furniture set in April 2019

2019: She really loved kitty

And now, I sit and remember. I miss our chats. Theresa had a very good mind, she could think about a complex problem and break it down for you. She had a tremendous heart and would do anything for you.

I inherited a tiny bit of money when she passed on. I put 5K towards her new headstone, that will be ready next year.

Better days: 2012, before her mother passed in March 2012. This cropped photo will be used for the head stone (below).

My mother's furnace bit the dust. I'll get that repair too. I don't mind, I know Theresa would say "Help her" immediately. She had a soft spot for animals and old people. Of course if you pissed her off, look out. She took nothing from anyone. I admired that.

I bought a few toys for Christmas; some stuff for friends and family. I was digging through the old china cabinet the other night, and I found an old answering machine. It had a message on it.

I was shocked to hear a 30-second conversation between Marion and Bernice. It must have been in 2012 or 2011 - who knows. I digitized it on my iphone and put it to my cloud storage.

Yes, I did buy her over $100 worth of candy in 2019 (one order!). She was also addicted to Twizzlers peel-and-pulls.

2010 or 2011: Bernice, Theresa, Marion. You can see me in the mirror taking the photo behind Theresa's head.

Sometimes you don't realize how frail and weak people really are. In the photo above, both Marion and Bernice are extremely sick. COPD and congestive heart failure for Bernice, and COPD/Stroke/Heart attacks for Marion. Both smoked. In fact, all three smoked in this picture shown.

 Was life really that good back then? Well, yes and no. Yes, because I had someone with me and we loved each other. No, it was tough - we had challenges like any couple. Health problems would crop up more frequently and I became a full time provider for my wife. I didn't mind, I kind of enjoyed the role after a while.

Our routines were simple. I'd hang out in the living room for a bit, until her dancing with the stars or The Voice comes on... I head to the computer room. Or, if I'm getting on her nerves, she would say "Go do your thing" meaning "Get out of here for a while". It's the little things you really miss.


And now in 2020 I have no idea where it will end up. I'll re-enter the dating scene eventually, but my main concern is being so out of touch with social media and dating apps. I still work out, but it's hard to keep motivated when your mood is in the deepest darkest depths of despair. Now I know what Theresa felt like when she lost her mother. But, when her mother died I was still there to support her.


This is a completely different loss. I take comfort in knowing that Theresa did visit me after she passed away. I know she is OK. It is just difficult to continue without her here.


TL/DR: 2019 Was the worst year of my goddamn life, and I hope 2020 is better.

I now know what this means in the photo. I understand this look.