Coping With Loss

Eventually, someone close to you will die. It's never at a good time, and when it does, holy fuck does your life change forever. I never really understood the meaning of the loss until my wife died last September. We both knew her time was coming due to a progressive lung disease. But when it did, I wasn't prepared.  It was the most traumatic events in my life. Words do not describe how it changes you. There is no instruction manual for this event.

There is not enough weed or alcohol in the world to block out that pain. For the newly widowed, it can be a terrifying ride. You can't block it out, cry if you have to. There is no shame in that. In the beginning, friends and family will pull together and help you. But be prepared for the sudden pullback by everyone. In their defense, they have lives to get back to.

But for me, it was more painful. A few notable people I had known for 20 years dropped me like a rock. I seen it done to my wife when she was alive. No phone calls. And then when she died, the same happened to me. To be blunt, I hope they burn in hell. They were never there to hear her cry or hold her when she told me she was afraid to die. They never mattered. I was there. I mattered. 

People resume their normal lives meanwhile you are still living in Groundhog day. But all is not lost. There are coping methods and means to get you past that traumatic moment. It takes a long time to retrain the brain and rebuild your self from the beginning again.

Someone asked me "What do you see in the future" and I said "Nothing". When you straddle intense emotional pain, loneliness, and depression,  you stop caring. There is no joy. You only exist. I cherish the memories and my kitty. Hopes and dreams? That's for people who give a fuck.

In between moments of grief you may find rare clarity. This is the key moment where your painful memory is resolved by:

1. Reliving the memory to the end
2. Extracting the good from it
3. Forgiving yourself

You may feel numb to the world, like an outside observer. Out of place. You do not belong anymore. When you hear of people dying and realize they are new widows too. It revives the memory. Thank God very few women wear Anais Anais perfume. That was her favorite.

Grieving is never meant to be easy. Those who can quickly close off a previous life? It makes me question how deep their connection was. Or maybe they have a faith so strong they know their partner will be there on the other side.

It can be complicated journey.

For new Widows, I highly suggest going to https://www.reddit.com/r/widowers where very nice people will help listen and give advice. I know they've helped me.