Never Live In The Past

I was speaking to a psychologist last week about my hesitation about going to visit her grave. The intense grief was stirred up suddenly when I tried to book a Westjet flight to Halifax. 

In that single mouse click, a dozen memories of places and events flooded into my mind at once. Colliding with the harsh fact that almost everyone in those memories are now dead. Time spares no one. He shared a story about his brother, going back to South Africa, they had a farm as children. When his brother went to see the farm, he had a bad reaction: Vomiting, sadness, and regret. Over the years, the farm changed hands and this family modified everything. It looked nothing like the old farm did. 

Intense loss is what caused his reaction. We all know day to day living is not special. But when we remember these events, they tend to get a golden memory around them. A special halo. The mind distorts the events when presented with loss.

I told him - "It is like I am being judged - does he have a girlfriend yet? Why not?". Online dating is very difficult. It's really a crapshoot of luck, skillful texting, and drunken evenings. "No you are not being judged" he said to me. He paused for a moment. "It's you who is judging you".