I have left but never left

 The apartment is secure and monitored with Arlo. I even turned on the living room camera to take a second look. Over the years, since 1997 when I left Winnipeg, I always came back to visit family.

But now, even coming to 2 years since Theresa died, I find myself trapped in memories. I left Calgary to visit family but I never left mentally. The bitter sweet memories of her remain, always. 

Like the good doctor told me, "A donkey never needs to be hit on the head with the same rock twice to know not to do it again". I had a strong desire to visit my old house from 1999. I knew it was pointless, so I didn't go. 

If I close my eyes, I can imagine her on the couch. It's a hollow feeling. Getting high was my escape from turmoil. No Cannabis while travelling or visiting. I really don't give a fuck what people think about that. I had been cutting back for the past few months. I no longer purchased ounces of product. It was cheap, but so what?

I also got tired of unavailable women flirting with me. I suspect some people I know who have had affairs, and to be honest, I was disgusted. Cherish the relationships that you have, do not take them for granted. The people that have the most usually don't know what they have until it's too late.

Racking up Tinder likes and going to the gym 5 days a week sounds like a perfect life. Except that money cannot solve all of your problems. 

In the end, you stand alone, and I would kill to have what I had 10 years ago. 

But no more. 

It is gone.