4 Years

 

Has it been 4 years? Where has the time gone? The sound of icu machines still haunt me. If someone were to tell me 4 years ago Theresa would be dead I would be horrified but not surprised. Considering her failing health and excruciating suffering while alive. Unbearable pain. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better if I died instead. 

But no.

Life continues on somehow. Spring is moving ahead whether I like it or not. I move into an apartment with virtually nothing. All should be well. At least I hope so.

My life, compared to how it used to be, is the usual misery. I lost my belongings last year to an incident I won't discuss anymore. Everything is gone.

I had to start over. I hope to be a good man. I know that's what Theresa would want me to be. One day I'll find that nice girl. The one in New York never worked out right. I hope she's ok.

My life moves forward, like pieces on an overly complex chess board. Like the statue of a man agonizing over a chess move, stuck for years, unable to decide. That's me.

Which piece shall I move? To where? And why? And better yet: Who am I playing against?

At least I'm wearing half-decent shoes. I chuckled at that one. And it wasn't lost on me this man was wearing an extremely thin jacket. Likely shaved down with a razor. Life is sad when all there is left is cheap titillation and fixation.

I had to replace my Toyota's headlight bulb today. Another $46 dollars I couldn't really afford to pay. It was either that, or get pulled over by the safety police. And I'm not kidding. I bought the bulb and swapped it in minutes.

My loneliness is a comfort to me now. I sit in quiet with Kitty - whom I adore and hope always to care for. He sits watching me on top of the sink in the bathroom. Such a good little bud. I love him so very much.

Chris